Moving on

We moved, finally!

After 5 years of traveling 120 miles every day, we decided to move closer to my work. The big deal wasn’t even the numbers of miles, it was crossing two New York City bridges each way and paying huge amount for tolls and gas and still sitting in traffic for a lot of unnecessary hours. There were times when it took 3 hours to reach work, 3 hours! Unbelievable and not only I went along with this arrangement for all these years, I spend both of my pregnancies commuting the same way and I worked till the last day before the babies were born. At the end I was even having hard time fitting in the driver seat. I think I was able to cope with that because my pregnancies cooperated with my commute.

Some people would call me crazy, some would say I was brave, some would say “you gotta do what you have to”. Seriously I don’t know what I was thinking; initially I was excited to get this great work opportunity and was ambitious enough to do whatever it takes but with each kid it became harder. I was getting less and less time to see them, I would leave at 6:30 am in the morning when they were asleep and not see them again till 6pm. I was spending only a couple of hours with them each day. Also it was getting physically exhausting as the time I reached home all my energy was gone, I would force myself to play with the kids. In reality all I wanted to do was to just lie down and watch some garbage TV and eat junk food.

However it was not all bad, I was mostly relaxed during the drive and I thought of it as my down time. Also it gave me an opportunity to listen to Audio books which kept my reading (or listening) up to date. I made all my due phone calls without any interruptions and most importantly I was able to think. Most the time thinking would make me more tired than the driving, and I don’t know if any good came out of that anyway. But I need time to think otherwise I feel frustrated.

For a long time it felt like we could never move, because we bought a house and we had family in that area. This was our first house, and there was hardly ever a talk about leaving. We put so much into it, and it had so many memories. Both of my sons were born there, and we had some really great times of our lives spend with friends and families over the years, on many different occasion such as my brother's wedding, New Year Nights, No-Reason Dance Parties, Birthday Celebrations etc (except for a few time when people started throwing stuff at each other, just kidding) .For some odd reason it felt like that the house defined us, and if we were to leave it we would lose our identity, we would be lost. And as much as we were comfortable with it, it was as contended with our presence. It felt like we were in “IT” together, comes good or bad times. So when it was time to leave, I went back in the house and silently bid my farewell. It was completely bare, there were no pictures on the wall and no furniture to fill the rooms. It was exactly the way when we moved in it the first day, the only difference was, initially we both were strangers and suspicious of each other’s presence. We were dubious of the sincerity the other one will show, we were dubious of the dreams that were build just by our moving into this house.

The whole project of finding a new house, packing, moving and other nick-knack was extremely stressful. I am not going into that detail however I am sure we couldn’t have done it without the help of our family and friends. Each person played a different role and always an important one. Someone was packing just the kitchen stuff while other was bringing in food, one was watching the kids while someone else was helping us sort out the stuff to throw/donate. There was so much stuff that I didn’t even know I had. I found a packed carton that we brought with us when we moved to this house 5 years earlier, how ridiculous is that?

Anyway we finally moved to our new house, 5 minutes away from my work, on July 25th, and now we are in process of making friends with it.

Ideal v.s. Typical Husbands

Disclaimer
Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. May be too intense for some husbands readers.





Wife: We need to clean the house before the guests arrive
Typical Husband: It looks clean to me (switches on the TV)
Ideal Husband: Yes, let me know what I can do to help, vacuum maybe?


Wife: Oh God I forgot to bring the bib (baby is crying)
Typical Husband: Didn't you remember when coming from the bedroom to grab the bib *rolls his eyes*
Ideal Husband: Which one should I bring?

Wife: I have a headache
Typical Husband: Really I have one too, in fact my legs and back is hurting and you know what I think I am having chest pain as well
Ideal Husband: Tylenol or Advil? or may be a head massage?

What not to wear

We decided to have a BBQ on Saturday, DH is the one usually doing all the grilling I just help him finish the end product of his hard work. We realized that we were missing a couple of VERY important things (Soda and Corns) so DH asked me if I can go get it from the store . After making sure that he knows that this is a huge favor I am doing for him, I agreed. Please bear in mind this is a beautiful and lazy weekend morning and I am wearing a Shalwaar Kameez.

There was a dilemma, I did not want to change, I wanted to savor the state of laziness a little more, and changing cloths would have made that small chore bigger and me more weary. But then going out in public in that attire always causes frowns, raised eyebrows and no eye contacts. There is no denying that people demeanor changes interacting with people that have brown skin. And God forbid if that brown skinned person is dressed in a colorful three piece, three size bigger outfit, then that bonehead should always embrace himself/herself for stares, eye rolling, head shaking and some times derogatory remarks.

So the dilemma was what should I do? Should I spend a five minutes to change or just go out the way I was and not care about people. After all it is New York City, melting point of the world where multitude of nationalities live and prosper next to each other. Why can't I just walk out like I want to, without being so conscious?

Sadly the world is a different place compared to what it was when we were budding immigrants in this amazing city.

First of all in late 90's majority didn't even know Pakistan existed on the world map. Ironically I used to get annoyed by that, especially after confirming with people that I AM from Pakistan, they would still insist I looked Indian. I guess it was easier for them to categorize me since obviously India existed for them. Of course that has changed tremendously in recent times, almost every day we are in horrifying headlines.

During the "nobody knows Pakistan" time, I would receive compliments every time I went out in a traditional dress. But now if dressed "inappropriately", there are some who wouldn't come out of the car to pump gas, or go out to throw garbage, even if their life depended on it. I know a few who ditched their Hijabs, shaved off beards after 9/11 to avoid racial profiling. Sad but true.

Anyway you must be curious to know how I actually went out to grab that bottle of soda and corns. Take a guess!

Also I am curious to know what YOU think when you see a foreigner dressed in their traditional dress?

I am the center

He runs to me for a hug the instant I enter the home. But sometime he doesn't, he only glances at me and then continue with his activity and I know he just wants me to come over and give him a hug and as soon as I come close he will open his arms for a hug. As if showing me his anger for not being there all day. Once he start the hug it is hard to free myself, he would rub his face against mine and grind his teeth and if I try to pull away he would hold me close by my hair.
At night he wants to go to sleep while cuddling with me. If I don't lay beside him he would keep looking at me and not go to sleep till I come and lie down with him.
It is such a satisfying feeling to have the love of a child. To know that I am the center of his world. Everything revolves around me. He cheers up if I start playing with him and stops crying when I console him.

But I also realize that this is going to pass and very quickly too. I will not be the center of his world in the future. The center will change with age, it will be his car, then friends,then girlfriend, then college, then a girlfriend again, then career, then wife and children. And with passing time I will be pushed more and more towards the periphery of his world. I will have to accept that position because that is the way life is. The same way our parent are part of our world but certainly not the focus. In that sense now I can really understand the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law tiff from the mother's perspective, it must be hard to let go. Hard to accept being not the center of his world anymore and blame that on his wife. But it is not the wife to start with, it is just the way it is.

I hope I will forget the things I have done for him, that his wife can never do. Like giving birth or nursing or cleaning his poop or sucking the boogies out of his nose or ditching my vacation plans or not going to theater till he will turn 12 or cooking for him tenth times in a day because he didn't like the first 9 meals or ironing each piece of dress he wears etc etc etc etc etc (*100 more etcs)

I hope I would have the same courage my parents have to let all of their children go and move on with their lives. Because surely I don't want to sound like this mother

Guest Blogger

ooooh I am so excited to introduce you to my Guest Blogger, Danielle Buffardi!
She is a mother of three year old boy plus a freelance Writer/Editor. Her blog is named "Horrible Sanity", beside falling in love with the name, I am addicted to her posts as well. One she writes very frequently, two her posts are short, interesting and thought provoking, three I am in love with the design of the blog.

So without further delay here is her post for my blog today. Enjoy!

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Huriya asked me to be a guest on her blog for today. Needless to say, I was absolutely delighted to do so. Huriya and I met during the May Blogathon that I was a part of. She found me during that time and we have remained web-friends ever since. I often visit Huriya's blog, Life as it Comes, because I can tell she is passionate about her writing and really enjoys her audience as well.

Huriya has informed me that she is starting on the path to writing her first book. I think that's simply wonderful. And, of course, I told Huriya that any editing she needs done, that I would be happy to help her out with. (hint hint, I'm an editor) :)

Allow me to tell you a little about myself. My name is Danielle Buffardi and I am a freelance writer and editor. I have a three year old son as well. Please visit me on the web at www.daniellebuffardi.com to learn more about myself and my services. As always, when I do a guest post, if you're in need of any editing or writing services, please mention that you saw me through Huriya's blog and you get 20% off any one of my services.

Also included on my website is a link to my personal blog, be sure to check that out as I blog about what it's like to be a full time mother to my three year old as well as a full time freelancer. You guessed it, it can get hectic.

I would like to thank Huriya for allowing me to be a guest on her site today. It's been a wonderful experience. Also, please take a stop over to my blog today where Huriya is a guest.

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Thanks Danielle for taking the time out and writing for my blog.
Now all of you go check her blog out and read my post there

Yes yes..push them off the edge..and then wonder why they dont love you any more

Lisa Belkins touches an interesting phenomenon in her NY Times article about the shift in parenting style over the years. 1920's were all about discipline, 40's were more about quality then quatity of time spend with your children and then later it was about choosing your style/guru and sticking to it. She believes that the most recent approach "helicoptering, smothering mothering, alpha parenting, child-centered parenting" is about to change now and predict it will be softer and looser.

This has been topic of so many nostalgic discussions I have had with my friends on the differences in the way our parents raised us and the way we are raising our kids. For example I can hardly remember my parents having any floortime play with us, every injury was cured with a band aid, our bottle feeder were made of unknown (=dangerous to health) material, toys that we played with probably had enough lead paint to make a person jump out of their windows today, we could play hide and seek not in some one's backyards but in entire neighborhoods, there was no play dates if we wanted to play with someone we would just go and knock on their doors, no summer camps,no swimming classes, no paino lessons or no soccer games during summer vacation we would just play on our own or watch TV. There was hardly ever a talk about going to Ivy leagues, we were pushed to do well in studies but it was a gentle push unlike today's shove and thrust till the poor kids fall off the edge.

I do believe that kids have a bit tougher today, there is always some activity scheduled for them.They hop from one game to another and one lesson to another. Even the weekends are not spared. Time that we are unable to keep them occupied has been taken by technology. Every spare minute they are texting, playing video games, talking on cell phones, or Internet browsing.

We as a parents are on their throats 24/7 now, our goal is simple to give them all variety of experiences in life. They should be able to able to ride horses, ski down the mountains, swim gracefully, play music instruments, read books, write, speak at least couple of languages, volunteer, dance, travel, cook and so on. And then most importantly they should graduate from a prestigious college and work in reputable firms.

As Lisa puts it "Get-them-into-Harvard-or-bust parenting?"

In addition to kids having it tough, parents are under enormous pressure to get it right. They have to financially stable to provide all the above enmities, then they need to squeeze enough time out to implement their strategies.
And the biggest problem with all this is that if you fail you will be considered a "bad parent".

I think Lisa article is breath of fresh air for parents who will probably end up with anti-depressants trying to conform to the above standards. We are ready for a change when parents will not be judged for being human beings.

Read the entire article here

Picture from 1954 Popular Mechanics Magazine....

Caption: Scientists from the RAND Corporation have created this model to illustrate how a "home computer" could look like in the year 2004. However the needed technology will not be economically feasible for the average home. Also the scientist readily admit that the computer will require not yet invented technology to actually work, but 50 years from now scientific progress is expected to solve these problems. With teletype interface and the Fortran language, the computer will be easy to use.